dear 17-year-old me
By diana on Jan 15, 2015 | In capricious bloviations
I've seen these before, but never asked myself this question until today. My friend Matt asked this—“If you could go back, what would you tell her?”—when I posted a Throw-Back Thursday picture of myself at 17. Now, I cannot stop thinking about it.
Dear 17-Year-Old Me:
I know you're tired of school and bored, but college is different and without it, you'll lead a life of quiet desperation. Someday, you'll wish you'd figured this out sooner.
It's okay that you don't believe in a god. Stop beating yourself up and feeling like something is wrong with you because you cannot make yourself believe.
Don't be afraid to be yourself. There will always be people who disapprove and try to change you, mostly because they aren't comfortable with differences which makes them try to make the world in their own image. You won't ever be happy being someone else.
Perfectionism is overrated. Try stuff and be bad at it. Make mistakes. Have fun.
Just be yourself. Despite what a lifetime of “school geek” and “weirdo” has taught you, you are a pretty damn cool and interesting person.
Even though your family is traditional and blue-collar doesn't mean you have to be, too. You can and will do much more than flip proverbial burgers someday.
Shyness is overrated. Don't worry about what anyone thinks of you because most of the time they aren't thinking at all (and when they are, it's about themselves). Someday, you'll talk easily with strangers on other continents and when that happens, you'll have trouble remembering when your world was so small and isolated.
You will never “fit in.” It's okay. Soon enough, you'll realize that other people try to “fit in” with you. As it turns out, everybody is afraid they won't be accepted and loved. Everybody. Understanding this fact on a visceral level will change your life.
I know you love to run, but find another sport or two that isn't so hard on your knees. Trust me on this one.
Learn to meditate and live in the moment. As it turns out, this moment is all you ever have.
Someday, you'll realize that you love to teach. Figure this out sooner.
You're beautiful. There's nothing wrong with you, so stop focusing on your "shortcomings"--those things that are invariably determined by society and have no bearing on your actual worth.
Look for the best in people. Most people mean to be wonderful people, even if they don't manage it. Don't attack them—encourage them.
Make time for your friends. Spend money to visit them. Don't fall into the trap of working for success and falling out of touch with the people you love.
You'll never really know “what you want to be when you grow up.” Don't sweat it. You'll meet about five people in your life who do know, and you'll come to believe they are the ones somehow missing out.
Never stop playing a musical instrument and singing, even if you're bad at it. Keep drawing and doing calligraphy, too. Making art is one of life's most cathartic activities, regardless of your age.
It takes more strength to cry than it does to fight. Be strong.
You'll do a lot of things right, too. You'll join the military and it will be your door to that big world out there full of unimagined wonders. You'll learn to think for yourself and trust yourself. You'll make dear friends on other continents—friends who are closer than your family—who will remind you that there's far more to the world than your own backyard and that every human life is precious. You'll fall in love and give your heart, only to have it returned to sender, a bit the worse for wear; this will happen more than once, but you will keep believing. You'll have innumerable lucky opportunities, and unlike most people whose fear of the unknown makes them turn away from life's open doors, you will walk through those doors—and that will make all the difference. You'll keep your sense of humor which will let you laugh about your also innumerable “character-building experiences.” You'll be a good person, friend, teacher, and mentor, and not a half-bad cook. And all that running you did? You knew at the time that there would come a day that you wouldn't be able to and you appreciated it in the moment for the fleeting joy it was.
***
Those are my thoughts. As always, I'm interested in yours.
d
8 comments
Erin, go to Oxford. Your parents will figure it out. If you don’t want to be overseas now, you will later, so go to Brown and work your ass off. The people you love now, that aren’t part of your blood are all going to fade. Some will fade in and out and back in for years and some will fade completely and wholly from your life in ways that will make you sad for the decisions you’ve made to structure your life around them. Stop thinking you’re fat. When you’re twice this age you’ll wish you’d been secure enough to pose nude, so do that and do it often. Stop thinking the right eyeliner, hair color or shoes will make you into the person you want to be. That means less than nothing. Buy a convertible now. Don’t bail Alyssa out of jail when it happens in ten years. She never learned any lessons from it.
Stop holding your tongue NOW. Forgive your father NOW. Appreciate the beauty of your life NOW instead of constantly worrying about how you’ll handle adulthood. Reconsider your faith NOW because when you lose it, and you will lose it, it’s going to hurt worse than it should.
And finally, drive the 30 miles east to Keesler Air Force base right this very second. Walk into the welcome center and ask that they connect you with Airman Avant, who’s in tech school. When you see him, hug him, whisper into his ear your deepest darkest fantasy and never ever let him out of your life. You’ll thank me for that later more than anything else at all.
Be kind to your back, Tell Josh you love him, and on August 28 2005, steal each and every photo out of Aimee Brewer’s house. She’ll thank you later.
Oh my God! I LOVE this! Wish we had the ability to actually share it with our “past-us"!!! Lots of good things in there, love it! Thanks for sharing with the “now-me"!!!!
Good writing, Diana, and sounds just right for you. I’ll be thinking on this, and see what I wish I had told myself, all those years ago.
Barbara Ann, don’t jump out of the water into the fire. Go ahead and go to Glorieta for the summer and on to teach on the reservation, for at least the time you have said you would. THEN, and only then, you can look around and see if that is what you are to do for several more years, or come back to Texas and teach in a school here - maybe even in Evadale, where you were encouraged to go and become a teacher. Marriage is something that can wait; if he isn’t the one who you are to marry, then you are better off NOT marrying him. If he IS the one you are to marry, he will still be waiting when you are ready for him.
Yes, you may not have the three children you had, but you may have had them at a later time. Or you may not have had ANY children; if so, you would deal with being the only one in the family who didn’t. And you may still have met Charles and married him, once you met again as you did.
Diana,
That’s why I love reading your blog. You make me think. But this topic is something I’ve thought about already, and here’s what I came up with:
“Dave, you’re headed in a good direction. Keep doing what you’re doing, but here are a few things that will make the road a little easier:
“1) She loves you, but she doesn’t always say what she means. Especially when she’s hurting. Actions speak louder than words. Learn to listen to her actions.
2) Don’t just tell her you love her. Show her. Actions speak louder than words. Learn what she recognizes as love and do that. (This’ll get you started: give her space. Let her be herself. Help her up if she falls down, but don’t try to guide her. You want her to be happy, right? Only she can do that. You can’t. Don’t try. BTW, your life gets a lot easier when you don’t have to do it all for her.)
3) Change happens. People change. You’ll change. You can’t stop it, and you’ll only make things worse by trying. Decide now to accept it, and deal with it when it happens.
4) You’ll be a good dad when the time comes, because you’ll have great help and great kids. All you need to do is not screw it up.
5) LISTEN. Find out what people need, not what you think they need. That applies to EVERYTHING: work, home, family. You’re a problem solver, but you need to learn to solve the right problems.
“You’re wondering if it’s all worth it. Yes. Yes it is.”
Dave
Dave,
I suspect almost all of that could be summed up with “Just relax.” :)
d
Diana,
You’re right. You seem to know me pretty well. (grin)
Dave
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