the id, the ego, & the single misfiring brain cell

I've been thinking about the fall

Did you ever notice that God was pleased with everything he created except for the stuff on the second day, when he put that giant dam between the waters in heaven and on earth? Maybe he knew that that "firmament" stuff wasn't going to pan out.

Anyway...I was going to chat about the fall. I mean...The Fall (TM). I'm interested in the implications and questions surrounding the original tale. I'll commence with the part where God makes mankind twice.

The first creation of mankind is in chapter 1, where "God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." Sounds rather hermaphroditic.

The Prime Directive is that they get busy making babies. But first, he makes them vegans. (No...really!) Everything that lives is vegan. There is no death (I guess plants aren't considered alive.) Veganism was God's plan.

Not really. :) (But it sounds so nice, doesn't it? Nothing dies! Death does not exist!)

Then God "rests" (ceases).

Then begins the second creation tale, which is more interesting, IMO. And inconsistent with the first, so no...it isn't "just a more detailed explanation of God's creation of mankind," as I've heard apologists say. God then creates "every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew." Picture this: we have plants and herbs created before they are in the earth. They're probably floating through the air or something. Cool! Also, there's no rain, which isn't surprising if you've ever been in the Middle East, and nothing grows yet because there's no man to till the ground.

"But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground." The Hanging Gardens of Babylon had nothing on Eden. It had a sprinkler system.

^"And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." By the way, "soul" is "nephesh," which basically means "living being." All the critters God already created also have "nephesh." So either there really are no souls or maybe your dog is going to heaven, after all.

So God plants the stuff that's out there floating around and puts the man in the garden, then God decorates and gives his vegan food. But wait...what's this? There's a Tree of Life? What for? There is no death.

There's also that pesky Tree Of Knowledge Of Good And Evil (TOKOGAE). We're coming to that.

By the way, I almost forgot. See that "LORD"? Every time you see that capitalized, it means the Hebrew is "Jehovah." So in Exodus 6:3 when the LORD says unto Moses, "And I appeared unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, by the name of God Almighty, but by my name JEHOVAH was I not known to them," I call Liar Liar Pants On Fire. Eve said she'd gotten a man "from the LORD" (Gen 4:1) meaning she called him Jehovah. Maybe she forgot to mention this to her progeny...?

Then there's those four rivers which have been making archaeologists nuts for centuries, and God puts man in the garden again, just for good measure.

GOD: Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

ADAM: And what does 'die' mean, LORD?

GOD: You'll see.

ADAM: Wait...what?! Why do I have the feeling I'm being set up?

GOD: Heh heh.

Nah. Adam does nothing, kinda like students do when professors bore them on the first day of class with explanations of the unthinkable things will happen to them if they plagiarize. Do they raise their hands and say, "But what is 'plagiarism, Prof?" No. It goes in one ear and out the other.

It's a weird denial thing, isn't it? I don't need to pay attention to this because I won't step over the line. And if I do, I'll get a lucky break. As it turns out, this mindset has its precedent in Adam. But I get ahead of myself.

But had he known what "death" was and he had half a brain, he'd have eaten first of the Tree of Life, then munched a bit at the TOKOGAE, don't you think? But he probably never touched the Tree of Life. It wasn't forbidden, after all.

So God's already created the animals, right? He created them "after their kind," and told them all to "be fruitful and multiply." Eden is sounding a bit orgiastic. But I digress. My point is this: he's already created male-female pairs for all the critters. Now he takes a look at his one lonely man and says, "Oh. He's alone. I wonder what would make him happy...."

GOD: It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

ADAM: What's "an help meet," LORD? Can I just get a chick over here?

So God creates a bunch of critters and brings them all to Adam. Thank heavens Adam wasn't into sheep. But at least God gave him busy work while he used the process of elimination to find the right "help meet."

So here's Adam, right? Standing in the garden. All the cattle are passing. The fowl of the air are waiting in the wings. So to speak.

ADAM: Eunice. Next?

GOD: Uh...

ADAM: Jim. Next?

GOD: Adam?

ADAM: What, LORD? Hortense. Next?

GOD: Oh nothing.

So God anesthetizes Adam, takes a rib out, and heals him again. He transforms the rib into a female, and presents her to Adam.

ADAM: Hey! Why did you need to operate to do this? The rest of the critters just came out of nowhere! Hello?

GOD: It was in the script.

ADAM: Oh.

By the way, you remember that old wives' tale about how men have one more rib than women, that came directly from this story? Yeah. I was told that was true, too.

ADAM: This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

EVE: "Woman"? You named the cow Eunice and you name me "woman"?

ADAM: You weren't here for that.

EVE: Oh yeah.

ADAM: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Adam's getting a bit preachy, isn't he? What does he know from "father" and "mother," anyway? (As a side note, "cleave" is also devilishly appropriate for marriage, since it means both "cling to" and "break apart." You think?)

So they're happy and nekkid together and...cue the snake:

SNAKE: Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

It's talking to the woman--not the man who received the order when she was still a rib. It asks her if God has said they can't eat anything. Silly question, right? This reminds me of a salesman offering me a vehicle with no money down and $100 per month for 12 months. It's ridiculous, but the point is to start a conversation.

WOMAN: ARRRGGH! A talking snake?!

SNAKE: Take it easy. Take it easy....

WOMAN: Oh, right. I don't know snakes don't talk, either.

SNAKE: Right.

WOMAN: So anyway, no. We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

Note the embellishment. Adam probably did that, that extra "neither shall ye touch it," just to scare her good.

SNAKE: And what is "death," again?

WOMAN: No idea.

SNAKE: Good. Anyway, it won't happen. What will happen is that your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

WOMAN: That one looks ripe.

SNAKE: Good girl.

WOMAN: Oh, Adam? This is amazing. You should try some.

ADAM: Yes, dear.

Then the eyes of them both were opened, like kittens, and they made themselves aprons. Probably the full body chef type. Then...the voice of God walks through the garden (draw that for me, would you?), and they hide. God says, "Where are you?"

ADAM:  I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

The snake is a con artist, and Adam, as it turns out, is a perfect mark. He's stupid enough to add a tell. God doesn't overlook this, either.

GOD: Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

ADAM: It's your fault, God.

GOD: Yeah?

ADAM: The woman you gave me? She gave it to me. I didn't even know what it was. Swear.

GOD: Woman!

WOMAN: Oh god.

GOD: What?

WOMAN: It's just an expression.

GOD: What have you done?

WOMAN: It's your fault, God.

GOD: I gotta hear this.

WOMAN: The serpent you made? It beguiled me.

GOD: I see. Serpent?

SERPENT: It's your fau--

GOD: Who said you could speak?

SERPENT: I've been wondering the same thing.

GOD: Right. You're the lowest of the low, figuratively and literally. You'll now crawl on your belly to get around....

SERPENT: I already.... I mean, oh damn. That'll be awful!

GOD: ...and you'll eat dust all the days of your life.

SERPENT: You don't mean that.

GOD: No, but it sounds pretty awful, right?

SERPENT: Right. Go on.

GOD:  And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

SERPENT: Wot.

GOD: Woman!

WOMAN: Oh god.

GOD: Yes?

WOMAN: What?

GOD: Oh. I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

WOMAN: What?

GOD: I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children.

WOMAN: What are "children"? What happened to "death"?

GOD: Death is too good for you. Further, your desire will be for your husband...

WOMAN: My desire alrea...oh. Right. That will be awful, LORD!

GOD: ...and he will rule over you.

WOMAN: That's what you think.

GOD: What?

WOMAN: Nothing.

GOD: Adam!

ADAM: yes

GOD: You shouldn't listen to your wife. Because you did, you'll have to work to live every day of your life.

ADAM: Do I have your permission to beat her?

GOD: Not yet. In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread...

ADAM: What's "bread"?

So Adam names the woman Eve at this point--that's right, she's been nameless all this time--because she's the mother of all living except all the stuff that's living and she isn't a mother yet. At the very least, this is a rather hopeful moniker. God reneges on his anger a bit and makes them some leather duds.

GOD: Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil....

ADAM: Who are you talking to?

GOD: ...and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever.

ADAM: Damn.

So God drives humans out of his garden, then puts Cherubims and a flaming sword to keep them away from the Tree of Life.  As far as we know, it's still there today, cherubims and all (surely the Tree of Life and cherubims can survive a flood). We should be able to find this with GPS.

Why was the Tree of Life there, anyway? It went from redundant to liability. At no point did it serve any purpose whatsoever.

So God changed his mind. He certainly didn't carry through with his threat. "In the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die" is pretty clear, if you know what "die" means. This shouldn't come as a surprise, though. God changes his mind a lot, like when he looked at all the evils of the world and repented that he ever made man.

One more thing: when I point out that God is a monster (we can start with the flood, but the rampant genocide in the Old Testament and Christianity's concept of Hell really seal the deal), people say, "Who are you to judge God?"

I am become as a god, knowing good from evil. Says so right there.

d