what's your main interest?
By diana on Apr 3, 2010 | In capricious bloviations
i don't know. i've never known. but what's the matter with that?
I once heard a comedian--I think it was Paula Poundstone--say that adults ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. I remember it well because I've never had any idea, and I made peace with that decades ago.
About a month ago, I took my education plan to Nan, the graduate advisor in the English department, for approval. The Air Force Institute of Technology requires completion of this form and approval by the advisor so they have proof that I'm taking the courses I need and enough of them to graduate on time. AF Regulations* require that I take advantage of all possible classes to ensure I make the best use of my time; this rule requires that I try to fill my summers, as well--within reason.
* They've been AF Instructions since the 90s, but I've never liked this change, as it implies that they aren't requirements so much as polite suggestions.
I'm required to take 10 grad courses, and I have 18 months to do it. I took 3 last semester and 3 this semester. That leaves 4, which I cannot complete earlier than December 2010. I signed up for two this summer, leaving a mere 2 for next fall. The two this summer, which I'd originally signed up for, were both electives (as I have little left but electives, which we're encouraged to take in different disciplines than English). The first was a Classics course, which is closely related to English, called Ancient Greek and Roman Tragedies, or something like that. The second was also a Classics course, called The Roman Empire, which appears to be predominantly history.
Nan looked at these and asked why I wasn't taking the one English course being offered this summer (it's a second helping of pre-1660 Brit Lit). I said I was interested in these courses, and I'd already had pre-1660 Brit Lit (although the instructor, the focus, and the material this time will be different). She looked exasperated for a moment, then said, "What do you want to specialize in?"
I just said, "I don't know."
She stared at me for a long while, it seemed, although it was probably only a couple of seconds, then said, "It just seems like, if you're here to get a degree in English, you'd want to take English courses." I pointed out that we were allowed two electives outside of the English department, and I was interested in these courses. She stared at me again, then said, almost flippantly, "Ok. Take whatever you want," and signed the form. I said I'd think about her recommendation. Her response again suggested that she had just written me off with something approximating faint disgust.
Up to this moment, she'd been encouraging and engaged in my plan, but her attitude had switched so blatantly that I walked away in confusion.
Our student handbook suggests we take courses outside of our major. She was excited enough when I told her I was interested in finding one or more classes to take in anthropology, perhaps in the fall. During our introduction to the program last fall, the department head told us that, even though we may think we know what we want to specialize in right now, we should keep an open mind and sample different things; we'd have time to settle into one focus later, if we choose to continue past the MA program. Besides, the program I'm in doesn't require a thesis or a final paper, so I don't have to choose a "focus" even for that.
This popped back into my head last week in the copier room. I was chatting with another grad student when Nan popped in for something. I made some chatting comment to her and...she ignored me. I'm again wondering what, exactly, happened in that moment a month ago.
There's been some talk for the past several months about changes to our grad program. Before, the six required courses were intense surveys of the main canonized literary periods. These courses have a notably onerous reading load, but they provide a very solid base of the canon and periods we'll need if we choose to go on to a doctoral program. Last semester, the English department held an "open forum" where all the English grad students could discuss the program's future with the faculty. I didn't attend, but more than one friend who did told me that Nan ran the show and, while she let them all voice their objections to doing away with the survey courses altogether in the grad program, she more or less shut them down after a few sentences.
Nan apparently has a lot of power over the direction this program goes. The courses have already changed and requirements for new grad students have already shifted. For example, I'm currently fulfilling one of my requirements which should span Literature of the British Isles, 1660-present; we're only covering 1800-1900. It's an interesting course and I enjoy it...but...I want the survey. Now, I still have gaps where a student as advanced in English as I am should not have them.
And so, I don't know "what I want to do," or "what I want to specialize in," and a part of me is angry that anyone would try to force my decision. Choices of this nature should, in my opinion, make themselves. If I don't adore a specific genre or period enough to already know I want to specialize in it, I have no business going for a doctorate in the first place (as all of you who watched me agonize over my choices for the past three years no doubt know). A conscious choice is going to be artificial, and will probably leave me frustrated and unhappy (not to mention, academically unsuccessful).
My main interest is reading and writing. I'm not ashamed that I'm not smitten with Victorian literature or in love with T.S. Eliot enough to already be planning my dissertation topic. If anything, I'm angry that she'd treat me as though I do not deserve to be in a graduate program because I have not Chosen My Path. I am angry when anyone attempts to make me feel lesser because I do not fit their idea of how I should be.
d
1 comment
Welcome to the real world. Some people are so eat up with themselves and what they think, that any opposing or non-conforming idea is automatically rejected. If she ever gets over that, I think she will realize you are seeking what you believe you need, as well as what you are interested in. That in itself will lead you into the doctoral program should you choose to go there at a later date.
I would simply suggest you try to sooth her by taking one of her ’suggested’ courses, or perhaps two, but concentrate at the same time on your own personal interests. That’s what got you where you are, and that is what will eventually get you where you want to go. Daddy
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