On mechanical bulls

And other high-risk activities.

Having been back in an official AETC* class, I have once again been subjected to their slew of required student paperwork, including (but not limited to) mandatory weekend safety briefs for those 26 and under, and special safety briefs should you desire to do anything the military considers fun. Um...high risk. I meant high risk.

* Air Education and Training Command, renowned for their creation of and adherence to silly rules.

They have a list of "high risk" activities, such as motorcycle riding of any sort, bungee jumping, water skiing, et cetera. I noticed they've added "mechanical bull riding" to the list requiring a pre-brief. It didn't used to be there, when I did ABC.*

* Aerospace Basic Course, required Professional Military Education for all butterbars, regardless of commissioning source, within the first year of commissioning, if possible. It's now ASBC, or Air and Space Basic Course.

I know why mechanical bull-riding is on the list now. As it turns out, I was indirectly responsible for its being added.

It all started when I was in ABC, which is also--like SOS--at Maxwell AFB. I'd driven here from California (in spring, 2001), and thus was one of the few members of my class with wheels. We were all in the dorms, and one of the young ladies there was a line-dancing fanatic. It was her preferred form of entertainment and exercise, but she couldn't get to a bar where she could dance. When she located one in the area, I offered to give her a lift there one Wednesday evening so she could get her fix. I explained that we wouldn't be there long, because I go to bed early, but at least she could check the place out and dance a bit, and that was better than nothing.

We had a nice time. I sat drinking icewater and watching her enjoy herself. I noticed a mechanical bull sitting dormant in the corner. It occurred to me that they probably cranked it up on weekends.

When she came back to the table, I told her I was getting tired and I was planning to leave town for the weekend, but she could probably talk some of the men in the class into bringing her to the club if she told them there was a mechanical bull there. She thought it was a splendid idea.

And it was, except for the James incident. He was doing well, and when you do well, the Bull Master increases the difficulty level (naturally). At some point, his foot became wedged between the saddle and the pedastal when he was counterbalancing in the opposite direction and...it wasn't pretty. He ended up with metal pins and a morphine drip.

The amusing bit is that almost every AETC base is in the South. You'd think someone would have noticed their proximity to mechanical bulls and the danger they pose prior to this time, but apparently not.

So a few months later, back at Vandenberg, I found myself, one Friday afternoon, trying to find something to write for my mandatory weekly safety briefing.... Sorry...another digression is necessary here.

I was the Safety POC for my workcenter. As such, I was required to brief something safetyish every Friday. No one provided a season-appropriate safety message for each of 52 weeks a year (which would have been smart, if you ask me), so I became creative in my efforts to fill the void.*

* I recall once having given an outstanding briefing on cow-tipping safety (count udders before you tip; lift with your legs, not your back, etc).

My target audience was a group of GS-13 and above civilians, and their median age was about 50. This particular Friday, I thought it would be amusing to warn them about the dangers of mechanical bull-riding. (Also, if there's a single mechanical bull in the state of California, I don't know it. You can see why briefing them on this was so irresistible.)

I typed up a rather amusing piece about the incident, mass mailed it to them, and went about my business. About a week later, I got an email from the Navy's Ashore! magazine, telling them that a Mr. Tony Jordan had forwarded this piece to them and would they mind if they published it? I didn't mind, of course. I pretty much let them hone it down to appropriate magazine-edited length and verbiage, and so...I was officially published. Here's the archive online piece, if you're curious. It gives a bit more detail on what, exactly, happened to James. Also, note the last line. Am I a prophet or what? :)

Y'all take care. The Iliad calls.

This entry was posted by diana and filed under work.

7 comments

Comment from: Hinermad

Diana,

That’s just too good. If not for the fact that it’s your byline on a Navy Web site, I’d suspect you were making this stuff up. (Although I know some training material comes from real-world events, like the mythical warning sign in the undergrad optics lab at MIT: “Do not look into laser with remaining eye.")

Count the udders. Thanks - I’ll remember that.

So are you done with SOS? Or do you have to do a briefing on The Iliad tomorrow?

Dave

08/25/05 @ 22:01

Comment from:

Me make things up? Nah. This is my weird little claim to fame.

“Remaining eye.” Heh. Good one. Yes…there’s a sign on the Royal Gorge bridge that says “No fishing from bridge.” You just know some pinhead actually tried it.

I’m essentially done with SOS. We grad tomorrow morning. The Sri Lankan brief was the last graded event, and I did that Monday.

The Iliad is for one of my fall semester courses at AUM (which began Monday, as fate would have it). No rest for the weary.

08/25/05 @ 22:13

Comment from: Hinermad

Diana,

So what -is- our business in Sri Lanka? I saw a bit on the History Channel recently that the British established rubber plantations there to break Brazil’s corner on the latex market, since rubber was fast becoming a strategic resource.

(I just thought it was an interesting coincidence, since you’d mentioned the briefing.)

Dave

08/26/05 @ 14:12

Comment from:

In short, as far as I could figure with three days of desperate research to compile my paper/briefing, we’re supportive of the Sri Lankan government in its ongoing efforts to suppress the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelan (the world’s most prolific terrorist organization, incidentally), because our National Security Strategy (http://www.whitehouse.gov/nsc/nss.html…quite the eloquent document, incidentally) states two of our objectives as “working with others to defuse regional conflicts,” and “strengthen alliances to defeat global terrorism and prevent attacks against us and our friends.” We’re morally bound to help.

That’s what I briefed, anyhow.

I suppose you’re asking me what I think, though? ;)

I think Sri Lanka, though small, is in a strategically-important spot, readily accessible to the Middle East (where we have, ahem, ongoing business) and India itself, which is working to establish itself as a global power. We want as many friends in the area as we can possibly get while we try to encourage India to stand down its efforts to develop The Bomb.

I’m sure people complained about our bothering to making friends with tiny Qatar at one time, too. It has turned out to be indispensible in our “War on Terror.”

Oh…I’ve noted with interest that The Powers That Be have begun to admit, finally, that it isn’t possible to wage war on “terror” (duh), and that we’re waging war on Fundamental Extremists (most specifically *cough*, Islam fundamental extremists). It’s a step toward honesty.

Sri Lanka, incidentally, is roughly 74% Buddhist and 18% Hindu. There aren’t many Christians or Muslims there. Sri Lanka’s insignificant Muslim population may make them a more dependable ally–should we manage to win them over and help them overcome that pesky “Tiger” problem–than Qatar, even. If you ask me (and you did), our national interest in allying with Sri Lanka rose considerably 9/11/01.

Aside: did you know that our word “serendipity” came from the early Arab word for Sri Lanka (Serendip)? ‘Tis the pearl of the orient, you know. Absolutely breathtaking in its beauty…in non-tsunami- or LTTE-ravaged years. But then, every location has its drawbacks, doesn’t it?

08/26/05 @ 17:31

Comment from: Hinermad

Diana,

I knew Sri Lanka is something of an island paradise and that it’s in a good location strategically. I just wondered if there were other reasons we were interested in it.

Doesn’t India already have atomic weapons capability? I thought they and Pakistan demonstrated such within a few years of each other, causing a lot of sleepless nights for a lot of people.

War against “fundamental extremists.” Does that make Pat Robertson a member of the Axis of Evil? (Grin)

Dave

08/27/05 @ 08:56

Comment from:

I thought India didn’t have nuke capability yet. Here’s a site about it. Apparently, they have done test runs but reports of their success are mixed. The DoD makes it sound as though they don’t have assembled “fully deployed” WMD, but India’s doctrine suggests they do–you can’t retaliate to a nuclear strike with an unbuilt weapon, I’m thinking.

And uh, it goes without saying that our war against fundamental extremists excludes the Christian type. Silly man. ;)

08/27/05 @ 09:46

Comment from: Melissa

Hey, congratulations on getting published. That’s cool! :)
\nGotta love safety briefings!!!! LOL

08/31/05 @ 08:05

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On mechanical bulls

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