the id, the ego, & the single misfiring brain cell

It has been, in a way. I've been reminded this week just how many people I know and love and how much I mean to them and what they mean to me. 

Pardon me while I get down and cheesy....

I have always been an introvert. Pile onto that a weird sort of "what will people think of me" shyness* in which I was terrified of rejection. I had few friends growing up; those not affiliated to us through religion--and that wasn't many--were not really welcome to be my close friends, either, so I learned young to keep my friends at a distance, out of my private life. 

* As if people even think. And if they do, as if they think of me. And if they do, as if it matters at all what they think.  

And so, I came into adulthood with no sense that people might want to be around me. I suffered from a crippling shyness that was painful to be around, I suspect. I had no faith in my own personality. A couple of long-time friends had told me how funny I was, but hey...that was just them. Friends, right? And friends are weird. ;)

I was so introverted that I wouldn't stop and ask a person for directions. When I was 16, my best friend did it right in front of me, and I found myself thinking, "That's amazing. It's as if she doesn't even care what he thinks!" This nonevent was where my road turned in a new direction, because my musings didn't stop there. I found myself wondering why it mattered what a stranger thought, anyway.

And it was an unprecedented life-changing breakthrough. I went on to wonder why I should care what anyone thought. (I have friends today who still wish, no doubt, that I'd never gone quite that far.)

In the end, I stopped caring what anyone thought--or so I thought. But life isn't so simple, and psyches certainly aren't. Even while I have confidence in my personality and friendship and basic interest as a person, I'm not moved to throw parties, and rarely do I have the confidence to invite a friend over. 

It doesn't make sense, but it's human nature. (It doesn't have to make sense. It's just the way it is.) 

Every now and again, though, an old friend will get in touch with me. This week, there have been two. The first, Michael Garman, a friend from when we were lieutenants together in Alabama. We had corresponded from time to time, but hadn't seen one another in 12 years. He's a brilliant and fascinating man; he's always been thus. And on his way from Barksdale to Washington state, he made a point of getting in touch with me--me--for a visit as he passed through. We had a wonderful reunion. He now has a beautiful wife, two beautiful children (I haven't gotten to meet them yet), and...he wanted to visit me.

I don't know how to explain this, perhaps because I realize how little sense it makes, but...I continue to be surprised when old friends take the time to seek me out, or even more--if they come explicitly to visit me. 

This happened again a couple of days ago. Jason Rossi, a man I've considered a friend since we went through Basic Comm Officer Training together in Keesler back in '01 is here at Peterson for a week. He had signed off of Facebook a while back for personal reasons, but he signed back on in order to contact me. We drove out to Peterson today to see him. It was the only chance we had, so I wasn't going to pass it up. When I saw him, he gave me a huge, happy hug. We started catching up but didn't have much time. All the same...it was more than worth the drive just to see him for a few minutes. (He expects to return in July, so we'll do more then.) 

Driving into town to see him today, then back afterward, I couldn't help but think, "He wanted to see me. He went out of his way to see me, a friend he hasn't seen for 14 years." 

It's powerful medicine. It doesn't make me think I'm an awesome individual. It doesn't. It just makes me thankful for amazing friends who care about me as much as I care about them. I have more confidence in myself than I did years ago. I invite friends to our home from time to time, even (this is not a given in my life). But mostly? I'm humbled by the amazing friends I've collected. 

I understand the theory of it all. We're all introverts at heart. We all live in fear that the people we most want to be around don't want us around. That knowledge only helps a little, though. 

For the rest of the way, I have to just bite the bullet and put myself out there. 

And thus, I discover a whole 'nother area of unexplored life....

Thanks for listening and until next time, y'all be excellent to one another, 

d