the id, the ego, & the single misfiring brain cell

No worries. I'm not divulging anything ultra private. 

I know what you're thinking. Why stop now? :D

Because this post is about something different. This is a happy post, for I am pleased with my therapist. 

Anyhow...we were discussing basic approaches to overcoming depression. He pointed out that a multi-faceted approach is necessary. First, I need to be on appropriate medications. 

I am, and I've resigned myself to being a lifelong user of antidepressants. I've tried to go off of them more times than doctors recommend, and while I may be okay for a few months, there will come a point that I must have them. Enough with the roller coaster. (He said, "I'm not sure I'd use the word 'resign'...." I said, "OK. Let's say I've embraced them." He said, "That's much better.")

The next point is therapy, which I'm in and must maintain until further notice. No problem there. If at some point I become displeased with my therapist, I will seek out a different one--a civilian off-base. 

Next: exercise. 

I'm pleased to report that for a month now, at least, I've wakened early and descended to the living area where I've done some yoga stretches and such, to which I've added pushups and situps and kata--the few I remember. I haven't practiced kata since I came back into the military in '01, so I'm rusty and I'm almost ashamed to admit how much dexterity, strength, and technique I've lost, but thankfully, I wrote them down years ago and there's always Youtube to help me remember my forms. I trained in the hard arts, but I do the kata in a flowing style like I'm practicing kung fu. Most of my exercise is isometric, but it makes me feel good and I'm already recovering some strength. I can now do a sustained cat stance without trembling uncontrollably, which is a coup in my book. B)

Most of my flexibility of yesteryear is gone, thanks to two knee surgeries followed by myriad back problems, but my steady regimen of stretching is making a tiny dent, nonetheless. 

I'll probably add another kata to my lineup this weekend. Easy does it. (They still tweak my knees sometimes, but y'know what? life tweaks my knees.)

Sleep? Well, I slept poorly for a week or two there, but I think that was a side effect of the medications that I'm taking, and I've since settled down and am able to sleep soundly through the night (a glorious achievement, as any insomniac will readily attest). 

And diet? 

I eat really well these days. Since Michelle quit her job, she cleans and cooks healthy stuff, which I take to work. We both go through seltzer like it's, erm, water. Yes. We eat well. 

And how about creativity? he wanted to know. Creativity has been shown to counteract depression. 

Hrm. That's an excellent point. 

I used to be creative. As a child, I showed some talent as an artist. I'm a gifted* calligraphist. I was a pretty good photographer once. I have a couple of guitars I haven't played in I don't know how long. I don't sing much anymore, either. 

* A word I generally avoid, but in this case it's true: I just have the knack and always have.

I thought about this one for a minute, then said, "It's as if life ran over me at some point and I just didn't get back up. That sounds really pathetic and even a bit cheesy, but...." 

He nodded thoughtfully, then said, "It's quite possible that's exactly what happened. Why do you suppose that doing something creative might help with therapy?"

I said, "Well, I imagine that when we refocus using a different part of our brains, stuff we didn't know was there can bubble to the surface...." He nodded. "But also, I think it just feels good to create something. To be honest, I don't know why I don't." 

He said, "Think about how you'll fill this need." 

OK. He was at the end of his list, so I said, "You know, I think you left something out. Goals." 

"Goals?"

"Yeah. It's like this...I've had goals my whole life. Leave home, get a job and make my own way, find a good relationship--that took years to work out, but I think it does for most people. I studied the martial arts for years, earned black belts, went to college and graduated, got my commission, earned two master's degrees, made rank, bought a retirement home, ensured I could retire, and secured my finances. It occurs to me that I really don't have goals now. I need goals. I'm happiest when I'm becoming."

He smiled. "You're happiest when you're becoming?" 

"Yes. I stole that line from a friend long ago. I need new goals."

He left me to think about that, too. 

What do y'all think? 

d