the id, the ego, & the single misfiring brain cell

I drifted out of my coma around 9:30 or 10:00 this morning, a mere 15 hours after I slipped into it (if you don't count a couple of bathroom breaks). Feeling absolutely capital, I brewed a half pot of coffee as an excuse to consume flavored creamer, and sat me down at the computer. One of the first things I read was this offering (http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/05/30/worst-end-of-school-year-mom-ever), posted on Facebook by a good friend about the end-of-school parenting blues. (It's hilarious, by the way. Check out her blog and while you're at it, follow her link to Momastery's blog. Great stuff!)

That blog entry got me to thinking again about children and homework, specifically in regards to what I perceive as parents' requirement to help them with their homework these days. 

I had this conversation with Lynne a few years ago. She has three children and I, of course, have none (a pertinent disclaimer for anything I say regarding childrearing). She was talking about helping one or two of them with homework assignments, and I ventured to say that I just don't get this. When I was a kid, I just did my homework. I don't remember asking my parents to help me do homework (which doesn't mean I didn't; I can assure you that if I did, the occasion was so rare as to be an exception to the rule). Lynne pointed out that things have changed; these days, if parents don't help their children with their homework, the children are almost certain to not succeed. (I don't pretend to remember the exact words of our exchange and it seems to be lost in the mists of Facebook time, now.) That was the gist of it, at any rate: if you want your children to be competitive for a good college, you must help them with their homework now. 

I remain skeptical about this, but I had to push the I Believe button, anyway. Like I said...what do I know about childrearing--particularly in this day and age? 

I don't mean to imply that I know nothing. If I felt that way, you wouldn't have this blog post to read. I do wish for my comments and thoughts to be understood in light of my glaring lack of experience with raising children, though. 

Like most folks, I view my own upbringing as instructive, but I eschew simplistic defenses like, "Well, I was spanked all the time growing up and I turned out fine!" I've yet to hear anyone utter these words who I could not discourse at length on exactly how they were not "fine"--and many of their problems seemed directly linked to their parents' reliance upon force and fear to make them "behave." (If I were to have children--adopted or whatever--I would shoot for a better outcome than "fine," anyway. I'm told I would more than likely change my views on corporal punishment, as well, but I doubt that; it strikes me as lazy parenting--with sometimes severe repercussions.)

So, disclaimer noted, let's press on: I'm confused about the "help your children with their homework" trend that's been gaining momentum for the last couple of decades. I don't mean to say that it's bad to help your children with homework, of course. I just don't understand the apparent requirement to do so, particularly in light of the utter fullness of most parents' and childrens' lives already. In the middle class where this "rule" seems prevalent, most families (still?) rely on two incomes, which means the parents are exhausted by the end of the day. Then add the fact that many if not most of these families--also in order to assure their childrens' future competitiveness--must take their children to music classes, dance classes, gymnastics training, baseball practice, etc. On top of this, said parents must "help Johnny with his homework." 

Really?!

I can see the upside. Helping children with homework guarantees some crucial parent-child interaction in homes where both parents work and "free" time is...well, not. Presumably, it reinforces the importance of education for the children, and forces parents to be aware of and engaged in their children's education. I suspect the system has changed over time to force parents to help their kids with homework for precisely these reasons. I mean, Jen Hatmaker (the creator of the blog I linked to above) had to help her son make a costume of Benjamin Franklin. This is not something the child can be reasonably expected to do himself, which suggests to me that our childhood education system is geared toward forcing day-to-day parental involvement. 

But I can see the drawbacks, too. Depending on the personality of the learner, learning is often a solitary activity. I recall my first indoctrination into the Air Force Academy--they call it "orientation," but you get the idea--where we discussed learning styles. They told us of a study of cadets in which they discovered that the vast majority of them learned best when they studied alone. Up until then, they had strongly encouraged group study; the cadets fared better when they stopped pushing group learning. 

I'm very much like that. I've always thrived on individual study (very quiet, no distractions, just me and my books). Over the years, I've had occasion to try group study--most notably in Professional Military Education settings--and I've repeatedly found that it is a poor substitute for solitary work. (The only exception is when I wasn't going to study anyway, in which case hanging out with the group while they studied helped a bit.) 

It occurs to me that a picture of my childhood home environment might be helpful. (Granted, I was a grade-schooler about 35 years ago. I know the system has changed drastically since then.) First, we didn't even have a television until I was in middle school (?); when we did get one, our television choices and the amount of time we spent watching it were monitored. There were no home computers and such like there are now. Again...I acknowledge the distractions we have built into our culture which must be contended with. We never lived in an urban neighborhood; we were rural kids, and half the time we'd rather run and play outside than watch TV, anyway (for the most part, TV still bores me, for that matter). 

Mother's favorite entertainment was to do something with her hands. She would draw, or plant a garden, or clean the fencerow, or reupholster/refinish furniture. (On one notable occasion, she refinished, rebuilt, repaired, and retuned our upright piano.) Daddy was a reader as far back as I could remember. He enjoyed reading to us when he found us in a state of unavoidable delay, such as doing the dishes; he loved a captive audience. Also, I just remember him sitting for hours reading science fiction novels. Both my parents worked most of my childhood. They spent time with us when they had the energy. When they didn't, we understood and we entertained ourselves. 

For the most part, we didn't have extracurricular activities. The only exceptions to the rule were music lessons, which continued only if we continued to practice our instruments at least 30 minutes every day; if we refused or lost interest, the music lessons were over. My parents wouldn't pay for lessons if we weren't willing to practice (which seems fair to me). I remember wanting to join the basketball team in middle school, and my mother refusing because we couldn't afford the gasoline for her to come pick me up from after-school practice. I couldn't take tae kwon do--and studying martial arts was the one thing I wanted most to do, ever--because they had practice on a church night (and that was the end of the discussion). 

And I did my homework. All the time. Most of the time, I did it before I even came home. There was a lot of lag time in my school day, and I was easily bored, so I did it. (I expect this isn't the case anymore, to be fair.) At the same time, I didn't have to be told, reminded, bribed, or cajoled to do my homework. I knew it was expected of me. The very idea of going to school unprepared was almost horrifying to me. 

Maybe I was just a weird kid. 

On the other hand, maybe my parents set a good example in their work ethic (as well as in their personal entertainment choices) so that I absorbed that ethic before I could even talk. 

In my efforts to better understand this help-your-children-with-homework requirement, I found the US Department of Education page here: http://www2.ed.gov/parents/academic/help/homework/part3.html. This is the "Helping Your Child With Homework" page. The very next page includes these among the reasons children have homework: 

Homework also can help students to develop good study habits and positive attitudes. It can

• teach them to work independently; and
• encourage self-discipline and responsibility (assignments provide some children with their first chance to manage time and to meet deadlines).

I guess I'm wondering how they learn to work independently and practice self-discipline and responsibility if they are working with their parents. I don't get that part. I also feel that the trend of requiring parental day-to-day involvement, as so many of the homework assignments seem to do, doesn't encourage the very dependency homework should help the children overcome. 

Again, I switch to my experience with teaching college students. I know, I know...college students are not grade-schoolers. But they were once, and the students I have grew up in the very school culture I question. Too many of my students seem to expect me to hold their hands--all semester. They are shocked and awed that I refuse to do so. In their experience, teachers will give them all the assistance they want, so when I cut that umbilical, I get end-of-semester official complaints that I didn't help enough. 

I won't pre-read any essays, for example. I tell the students up front that I will only read essays once. If they seek specific help with a thesis statement, or want to brainstorm about good arguments, or need help organizing their ideas (the biggest bugaboo I encounter, I believe), or need more ideas of where to research, they are welcome to bring an outline to me for discussion.* But still, students will come to me and say, "I know you don't read drafts, but...can you please make an exception just this once?" 

* Some try to get past my rule by bringing an "outline" that is sentence-for-sentence what they want to put in their papers. Of course. 

Yes I can, but I won't. I have several reasons for this. First, I don't have the time. Second, in my experience, it doesn't help them improve their writing skills; it merely improves the current paper because they make the changes I suggest (if that). My goal is not to improve their grades; it is to improve their writing. Third, they generally aren't after "help with the paper" so much as an editor, and editors can be had myriad other places. Fourth, giving their papers extra attention makes it impossible for me to grade those papers fairly when I get the final papers; I cannot view them as objectively as I can the papers I've not yet seen. And fifth, they're in college, ferchrissakes. It's high time they embraced that independence and self-disciple (and, I might add, self-confidence) homeworky thing. 

I tell them that I only read the paper once, and that is to give it a grade. I'll be happy to read it now, but I'll grade it and that will be that. They get the point at this juncture. Perhaps they take the paper to one of my colleagues, who helps or doesn't, depending upon their personal approach. Perhaps they take the paper to the Writing Center, as is strongly encouraged in the syllabus. Perhaps they ask their peers to review their papers, as is also strongly encouraged. 

Maybe I'm completely out to lunch here, but I can't help but think, each time one of my student comes to me begging for me to break my own rules just for them, that I would have eaten my own foot, even in grade school, before I'd go beg a teacher for special attention that teacher has already said they will not give. 

And don't even get me started about begging me to change a grade, which is also surprisingly common. (I've learned to agree to look at the paper closer, but they should be advised that I usually don't read it as closely the first time as I do the second, and I expect I'll find even more wrong with it...but I'll regrade it if they like. They generally back down.) Another option is for me to get a colleague or the course director to read the paper (independent of my comments or any knowledge of my grade) and assign it a grade of their own. I've yet to not be vindicated. 

And...I digress anyway. My point is, I think there's a connection between the do-homework-with-your-kids-every-night trend and these students who have made it to college without developing self-sufficiency or self-confidence, who expect to receive any special attention they request. 

Then again, maybe I'm just a crusty old dowager, mired in the 70's. I'm sure my procreating friends will have some thoughts that will help me understand, though. 

d