the id, the ego, & the single misfiring brain cell

I'm incredibly focused and motivated these days, taking care of all those little things I've had to do but haven't gotten around to mainly because I'm lazy and it's easier to hit the “do it later” button (both literally and figuratively) and let everything pile up. But since I've arrived back in Turkey (two weeks ago today), I've gotten my life here back in order, despite the resurgence of back problems.

That's a nasty story unto itself, and it involves muscle spasms up my back for days followed by the Turkish cure for this: multiple injections into the spasming muscles until they relax. Not cortizone shots, either. Just regular anti-inflammatories and maybe muscle relaxants. I have to keep going in to get shots in the back to keep the spasms down. The doctor presiding over my torture is clearly of the opinion that I simply have too much depression and stress in my life, and that's what caused my back to spasm. Despite the clear indication on my paperwork (and he read this part to me, so I know he's aware of it) that I keep coming in with pain from the same ruptured disk--and muscle spasms are a known side effect of such an injury--he thinks I just have too much stress in my life and thus BAM! Muscle spasms.

Yes, I've requested a referral to an American specialist in Germany.

Meanwhile, I have to admit the spasms are coming under control, more or less. He'll inject here and there then within the next couple of days, spasms will erupt elsewhere. The process reminds me of trying to spot-treat a dandelion infestation with weedkiller.

But don't worry about me. I'm getting along, and frankly, I'm sick of hurting and I'm sure y'all are sick of reading about it. If I get half a chance now, I'll get surgery to correct this disk, since it simply isn't fixing itself. We'll see.

***

I think we've solved the mystery of the sky-rocketing electric bill, too. The bad news is, it seems to have been my fault (boy, is ignorance expensive). The good news is, well, now I know. I feel all in control again.

For a bit, I was thinking it was the transformer. I've heard they're energy suckers. But then, a friend of mine heard me talking about my electric bill and my theories at lunch and said, “It isn't the transformer. I leave mine one with my computer plugged in and my electricity is about 50TL a month.” So...back to the drawing board.

That left only one thing, really: the “electric-combi” boiler that not only heats my water on demand, but provides central heat for my home. My logic was this: everywhere I go, the homes and businesses are consistently overheated in the winter (Turks like heat, you see). Surely they wouldn't have a unit in their homes that was astronomically expensive to run...? Bad logic, as it turns out. What was missing was this: this unit is not in their homes. It is in mine.

I set it back to the summer setting--where it heats my water only--and swore that I'll freeze to death in my own kitchen wrapped in tattered blankets and eating cold oatmeal before I turn that damn thing back on for heat.

I have wool socks (thick thick deliciously thick ones), warm clothes, blankets, and a space heater for my computer/recreation room. I'll be fine.

***

I finally got that nasty smell out of the place, too. I began with pouring coffee grounds into lots of bowls and glasses and setting them all over the place to absorb the pong. After about a week, the place smelled of stuffy coffee grounds, so I tossed those and washed the dishes. There were still little...aromas...here and there, though.

I bought some sort of smell good stuff from the grocery up the street. It seems to have an alcohol base, as it evaporates fairly quickly, but it smells like citrus. I sprinkle it on my space heater and just randomly where I want things to smell good. I also use a lot of smell-good candles.

The last bit of the problem was taking care of by mopping the kitchen with PineSol (which is not the best smell in the world, either, but I'll take it over rotten chicken in a pinch) and pouring lemon-flavored bleach down the kitchen sink.

***

Once I won the olfactory battle, I turned to balancing my checkbook.

Ye gods in heaven above. Even a cheap marriage is expensive. Granted, we spent some bucks getting up there and back, and the photographer cost a bit, and we didn't pinch pennies while we were there. We stayed in the honeymoon suite and ate at nice restaurants without worrying about prices, and then there was Mich's ring....

Oh yeah. Mich's ring.

Back when we were “new,” she asked for a ring and I bought her one. It's white gold, a “forever” Celtic band. It's lovely, really. We both like it. It was basically going to be the ring, since marriage wasn't a possibility as far as we knew.

Then, about three years ago, we went to the Fur Ball (annual fundraiser for the Humane Society) in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and Mich spotted a beautiful ruby and diamond antique ring. We bid on it and bought it for about $900. It really is stunning. We decided it would be her wedding band as soon as we could be well and truly married.

Both of these rings, however, tend to start slipping off when she loses weight. We've talked about our options for making one or both of them a better fit.

Well...early on the morning of the 28^th of February, when we were underway a teensy bit later than we'd planned to be off, and about 10 miles from home when she said, “Oh no! The rings!”

She'd left the rings in a drawer in the bathroom. They slip when they get soapy, so off they came, and...we couldn't go back for them. We tried my pinky ring on her ring finger, but it only went to the second knuckle, which would just look silly in a wedding ceremony.

And so it was that, upon arriving in Victoria, checking into our swanky suite, we set out to buy the marriage license ($100CAD from any bank, I think) and buy Mich another ring.

You'll see it in the photos. It's very simple, and I think it's my favorite yet. It was a quick just get a ring that fits thing, you know, but in my opinion, it looks the best of all three. Perhaps it was meant to be. ;)

***

I was on about the checkbook, wasn't I? I ran up a couple of bucks at home on leave, too, of course, buying coffeemakers and, well, pretty much anything I felt like buying. By the time I got through my pile of receipts, I'd spent about $8000 in about three weeks.

Youch.

***

It seemed wise to do my taxes next.

You see how I'm steadily getting things done here? This is unusual for me, to be so consistently motivated. I'm not sure what to make of it, either. I'm worried about what'll happen when I run out of things to do.

Today, I finished my taxes, then repartitioned my hard drive so I could upgrade my operating system. The hard drive was originally given a boot partition that was clearly not meant to grow, so my upgrades have been not been done for months. Thus, I've spent the rest of the evening (hours) upgrading my operating system. Twice.

***

And, I miss Mich.

It's worse this time. It gets worse every time. That's the strange thing. You'd think you'd just learn how to do it after a while, right? Like childbirth, it should get easier. But no.

When I came to Turkey last year, we'd decided to make the most of it. Time apart can be healthy for individuals and for relationships. It has been good for us. It's been hard, but we've made it beneficial. We (and by "we," I mean "Mich") have done some self-improvement, relearned our own quirks and enjoyments when there isn't another person there to influence them, and have grown quite a bit. (I'm the first to admit that I don't necessarily grow up; just like life itself, I evolve, not necessarily in a beneficial direction.)

This time, when I came back, I just felt so...empty. Again, it seems like it wouldn't, since I'm established here. I have friends, I know the area, the people, and I know what I'm doing at work. You'd think I'd be able to come here and simply immerse myself in the life I've built here, and thus find a way to block the missing-Mich part. It doesn't work that way, though.

I don't think marriage has made it worse, either. Honestly, I've seen the document and I know it's real but it won't make any real difference in our lives until the military acknowledges our relationship, which will come after the Defense of Marriage Act is repealed.

I think it's this: I can only take so much of being without her.

This next year will be a challenge.

d