father's day card
By diana on Jun 19, 2011 | In capricious bloviations
Dear Daddy,
I love you. No matter what, please...know that I love you.
I know I say and do things you don't agree with, and that my opinions and attitude upset you sometimes. I don't say things in order to upset you. Nor do I assume opinions for that reason. I wish you could be more accepting and approving of my opinions and actions, because I, like you, prefer harmony over dischord. I think and I act because you taught me to think and stand up for myself. I like to think that even when you're exasperated with me because it feels like you just aren't getting through, you recognize this and you respect it.
You've always respected me. As far back as I can remember, you have treated me like a thinking being who has a right to her own opinions. Even when I wasn't an adult or even close to it, you listened to me, and you treated my thoughts with respect. Thank you for that. I appreciated its significance then, and I appreciate it even more now. You recognized that I had a mind, that I used it, and instead of trying to crush me into the mould you had for me, it was better to encourage me to think and to talk to me and watch to see what I would become.
You offered your outlook on the world and the meaning of life, of course. You would prefer that I adopted your view. I would have done the same. I don't blame you. You did what you felt was right by your children.
I know that when it was your turn to go spank my brothers, you hit your leg instead. Maybe there was a better way to handle it, but I respect what you did. And I thank you.
And that day I asked you to go make it stop--you know what I'm talking about, I hope--and you did? Thank you. Had I known I had that power, I'd have done it years before.
And for all those times you told me you loved me, and I said, "Thank you"...I'm sorry. Only in later years did I have an inkling how much that must have hurt. I didn't know how to say I love you. I doubt I really understood what it meant. I do now.
I love you, Daddy.
Thank you for covering for me when I came home in the wee hours after illicit activities that you divined.
Thank you for continuing to say you love me even when I wouldn't respond in kind. I was listening.
Thank you for confessing your humanity, for letting me see your weakness. This made you stronger in my eyes.
Thank you for all the silly games that had no name--like the "blow game," I guess--but which I teach to children I meet now (and who love the games enough to hunt me down when I visit again just so they can play the game).
While I haven't compromised my own beliefs (and you haven't compromised yours), I like to think you're proud of what I've accomplished, of what I am. I've been faithful to our agreement: I think about what I believe and why, and I continue to research it. Know this, even if you grieve that I am lost forever, please respect the fact that I have never failed to take your admonition seriously, and I never will.
Thanks for being there, Daddy. For me.
I love you and I miss you.
Happy Father's Day.
d
1 comment
Dearest Daughter——
It is mid August, and I am just now reading your beautiful letter to me. I especially appreciate it when it is sent directly to me, but I know you want everyone to know all your thoughts. I prefer to be private on many things. This is one of them.
I don’t know if I ever told you that I was at least 18 years old when I said those words to my old Pap. I’ll never forget the tears in his eyes when I said it. And I don’t think he ever had to wait long after that.
I tell people, nearly every day, how proud Mother and I are of your accomplishments. I too wish we could meet in our beliefs. Mine were written, nearly 2000 years ago. Yours were rampant, even then . I don’t think our ideals, or our beliefs, will ever come together. We are so destined to be centuries apart there, and I am so sorry, have been for many, many years, that I did not have the ability to teach you what I believe (I was able to give you some of that), but more than that, the WHY of it all.
I simply can’t understand why the creation around us does not inspire faith in a higher being. Even when I go back to the supposed ‘big bang’, I have more questions. Where could that have possibly come from, who, or what, put it there, etc. No amount of physics, science, science fiction, ect. that I have ever been made privy to has ever answered those important questions, not so far as I can tell.
Do I love you? If I have been unable to prove it by now, I don’t think I ever will be able to. I am at such a loss of words to express my love, my admiration, my care and concern for you, and my tremendous pride in your accomplishments.
I didn’t mean to get off on these things, but you brought it up, and I felt I had to respond, no matter how weakly. Your Mother and I, as well as your brothers, will never b e able, nor would we want to, to put you out of our minds, or forget how much we love you. I cannot recall a single day, since the day you were born, that you have not been of deeply personal interest to me, and my love has grown deeper and stronger with the passing years.
Thank you, from the depths of my heart, for your gentle, kind, loving letter. Please accept my apologies for not answering sooner. Your entries on your blog sometimes tear me up so badly that I have to go for long periods of time without reading. Please forgive me. I will truly try to do far better. All my love to you, (that seems so vapid a way to say what I feel). I miss you beyond words. Daddy
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