what it feels like to be me
By diana on Nov 6, 2010 | In capricious bloviations
a feeble attempt at describing depression
If you've ever struggled with depression, you'll recognize some of this (if I've described it effectively). If you haven't, maybe this will help you understand what others are dealing with when they say they are depressed.
What does depression feel like? Overwhelmingly, you don't care - about anything. You can't find pleasure, even in activities which would normally soothe you or make you happy. Any happiness--such as from good news or personal accomplishments--is fleeting. You feel like you're walking through heavy fog--or just drowning. You may force yourself through your day-to-day activities, but your accomplishments feel empty and meaningless. Everything feels empty. You're an emotional pincushion; you may withdraw to avoid your own hyper-emotional responses, which you recognize as being out of proportion to the actions and words which provoke them, but you can't help yourself.
And you feel shame for all this.
I acknowledge my shame. I know it makes no sense. You don't have to tell me. But that doesn't change the fact.
A couple of weeks ago, I ran into my department head at USAFA. We had a moment to chat, and I told her about this problem, in the interest of full disclosure, as it is interfering with my studies. I asked her to keep it on the quiet because I fear the stigma, but even as I said that, I realized that I had to swallow my own shame to even tell her. She was respectful, understanding, and supportive. I'm saying all this now because I just realized that the stigma isn't what really bothers me. It's the shame.
I believe we are taught to feel shame. It is society's way of training us to punish ourselves. For this reason, I've long thought that we can control our own shame. I no longer believe this. Were it possible to turn it off at will, simply because it doesn't make sense to be ashamed, I'd have found a way by now.
I'm ashamed I can't get a handle on my depression. The longer it lasts, the more hopeless I feel, the more ashamed I am, the more frustrated I am that I can't figure out how to heal myself. I'm ashamed that I need help. And I'm angry that I feel ashamed. Shame is directly linked to stigma, I realize, so I wasn't completely misguided to request confidence in order to avoid the stigma, but the stigma itself is wrong. Even if someone were to prove that it doesn't actually exist, it is still real to me.
Drugs? Yeah. There was first the Celexa, which backfired. Then I tried Wellbutrin for a while. Then I doubled my dosage. It didn't help, so my doc just switched me to Prozac. She suggested I seek therapy, if only to learn some coping skills, and I think I will. (I have tried therapy in the past, but not for long. It felt useful for a while, but it was remarkably painful, and seemed to hurt more than it helped. I'm not convinced that picking at old sores is the best way to heal them--but I'm not convinced it isn't, either. I just don't know.)
I exercise when I can force myself out the door. (I know...melodrama, right? To be depressed is to live in a constant state of melodrama, but to pretend otherwise.) Exercise makes me feel better, but only briefly. It exhausts me, which is helpful even when my brain doesn't cooperate by unwinding.
I'm convinced my insomnia is directly related to my depression, too. When the clouds clear (so to speak), I sleep like a child. Only when the fog returns do I lie awake in the middle of the night for hours, hating myself.
So that's where I am, mentally. I'm doing everything I know to fix it. Well, except one.
You can probably guess this one. The more I struggle to cope, the more I drink. You'll tell me it doesn't help to drink, and in the long run, you're right. But what you probably don't understand is this: you're suggesting I stop doing the one thing other than sleep that brings me relief, however briefly.
Most of my life, I've controlled my depression through exercise. When exercise wasn't enough, I forced myself to accomplish things. Get out of bed. Take a shower. Put on clothing I'd be seen in public in. Run errands I need to run. Do my homework. Eat a good meal. Talk to people. (If these things sound like sillly "accomplishments" to you, congratulations. You've never been depressed. I'm not bitter--just jealous.) Teaching was a godsend (heh), because my cadets always pulled me out of myself, no matter what was going on.
Sometimes, reading a good book or watching good movies help. They don't do anything for me right now. I lose interest mid-movie and have trouble concentrating for more than a paragraph. Playing my guitar? Cooking? Writing? Good only when I'm doing them, if that.
When I emerge from what I've just described, the next condition on the ladder seems to be a persistent, aching, directionless anger. Just so you know. I haven't got a handle on my depression until I rise above that feeling.
So that's where I am right now. I want it overwith, but there's no quick cure. I've realized that I need medications for this, so now I must undergo the time-consuming trial and error of finding the right one. I'm working on that. Meanwhile, if nothing else, I want people to understand where I'm coming from, if they can. I don't want your pity, but your patience would be nice, if you can spare it.
I've had good news lately. I got my assignment of choice (Izmir, Turkey), so focusing on that helps me here and there. I did well on my physical fitness test, even though I'm fatter and in worse shape than ever. (I quit worrying about my weight, to the extent that I can make myself forget about it. I'm well within AF standards; I just prefer me slimmer. I'll work on my weight after I get a handle on the depression.)
AFIT approved my request for more time to complete my degree, too, which is good news. I'm proud to say the Air Force is working with me on this, within reason. I'll report to Izmir for duty no later than the 8th of March. I look forward to being regular Air Force again, too. With the exception of a couple of months here and there, I've been in school since 1998 (teaching counts double), and I'm ready for a break from homework, so...I guess what I'm saying is that I look forward to being back in uniform for a change, and out of academia. I'll have to reinvent myself, too; what do people do with themselves when they don't have papers and exams and homework hanging over their heads?
Speaking of homework, maybe you can help me. This week's assignment is to write a paper about my experiences with voting. I've been thinking about it and making notes since Monday (when I was given the assignment), and I'm still coming up blank. We vote in political elections, but also for where we'll eat dinner or what movie we'll watch, etc. I'm supposed to discuss my experiences with voting and learn something about myself in the process. But I got nothin'.
Ideas?
d
12 comments
Diana,
Congratulations on getting the posting you wanted. Sounds like the DoD’s Fairy Godmother department came through. Any idea how long you’ll be there?
What you say about depression echoes what I’ve heard from other friends who have it. I’m glad to say (although with just a little guilt) that I haven’t had to deal with it myself, but I’m still sorry that you do. Or that anyone does. I’ve known a couple of people who found help with a counselor, but others who didn’t. There might be some trial and error involved in finding the right one, just like for the medicine. And as always, YMMV.
I’m not sure what you’re asking about voting. In the last election I voted against people (incumbents, mostly, although the New York governor-elect isn’t - he’s just from a very well-established political family) who I thought weren’t doing a good enough job, rather than for people I thought were best for the job. As for voting in everyday life decision, most of my life has been a dictatorship. Either my parents and teachers were making the decisions, or my wife. (That was a complicated dynamic. “Henpecked” isn’t quite the term for it.) Now I make the decisions myself but they only affect me and my son, who is still a non-voting member of the family.
At work when we’re making decisions we do a cost, risk, and benefit analysis. We may offer different opinions, but one person makes the actual decision. That’s fairly common practice in engineering. I don’t vote on where to eat because I don’t go out with friends. That’s also common in engineering. (grin)
I guess in political elections where I have little say in which options are available, I tend to choose what I see as the least bad one. In other decisions I’ll try to build an informed consensus rather than just push for what I think is best.
Is that anything like what you were asking?
Dave
Actually, that’s very helpful indeed, Dave. Thank you! I’m getting a bit desperate, as this paper is due in two days, so anything that makes me see it from a different angle is helpful.
I still don’t know the length of my tour. I did volunteer for the extended tour, so that means…around three years? Not sure. Hopefully, my orders will clarify.
d
Diana,
That reminds me of a couple of things I’ve been wondering. Did you get your promotion yet? And is Balad still open for business? I hadn’t thought about your deployment in a long time, but when they announced that combat operations had ended in Iraq I wondered if that meant the base was shut down.
Dave
Yes, I got my promotion. Thanks for asking. :) I pinned on October 1st. I finally got around to updating my ID card just this Wednesday past, though. I realized as I was scrambling to remove the old rank (which was sewn on my BDUs) that I didn’t know how to put my new rank on. I figured it out, of course, but that was a weird realization nonetheless.
I haven’t checked, but I’m quite certain Balad is open for business still. It’s the major airlift hub in the AOR, and we’re still very much in Iraq, “Mission Accomplished” (or whatever Obama’s version of that was) notwithstanding.
d
Diana,
Congratulations, Major!
(We now return to our regularly scheduled informality.)
Dave
Thanks. :)
I rather prefer informality–I’ve gotten spoiled in school–but I recognize that I must return to formality when I’m back in uniform, so I may as well get used to it.
d
Diana,
As someone who has been dealing with depression throughout different times I am just writing to say that it really is a trial and error. Or at least it was for me. Celexa worked for me but from what my Doctor has said it may not work next time when depression hits.
Does change of scenery help or at least a change of focus? I believe it does in getting outside of the nasty skin of shame we can envelope ourselves in. Lately, I have been begun to wonder if depression is starting to come back for me and I know a change in job is necessary which I won’t bother going into. I’m glad to hear that you have a change approaching that may help tremendously. On the drinking, I also have been there on and off, as have many I know.
On the voting, not sure I have anything much more constructive to add then what’s been said, I’m afraid!
Linda
Diana, congratulations on finally getting your promotion. I hadn’t heard that it had finally gotten through; the last I heard, you were scheduled to get it, but had to wait for someone to retire or something like that. (Maybe someone else to move up higher?)
Depression? I can’t begin to relate to that, because as far as I know for sure, I’ve never been depressed for more than possibly a few hours at any one time. I have been around people who were depressed, and they were entirely different then than when they weren’t.
As for your deployment, it seems that you will miss at least three more reunions before you can think about coming back and joining us. We will miss you, of course, but I, for one, are very proud of you. Keep up the good work!
And thank you, my dearly beloved niece, for standing in the gap for all of us! I salute you!!!
Diana,
What she said. Thank you for taking on the uniform, and all that goes with it.
Dave
Diana,
Reading what you wrote in this note, I felt something hard to describe, something that I think resembles empathy. I’ve never had depression, I’m sure of that, but whenever I’m sad, I use a lot of the same mechanisms: drinking to numb myself, exercising till I can’t feel my legs, so the pain goes elsewhere. Crying hysterically helped a few times too, but lately I don’t feel better afterward. I’ve felt things that were a big deal to me become completely insignificant and unimportant. I’ve had reactions that are out of proportion to what triggers them. I could go on, but you’ve described it better than I could. Again, I know it’s only a tiny part of what you are probably going through.
Therapy, however, was a different experience for me when I did it. It didn’t involve much of ‘picking at old sores’. Instead, it involved looking at my present and my future, and how to turn a shitty present into a future that was desirable to me. I found that finding the right person is essential, and that sometimes you have to give it a little time. I’m actually thinking about going back to it for a bit…
I hope you recover as soon as possible, so you can keep writing things that feed our brains.
Also, congratulations. It takes balls to admit that one needs help.
Mila.-
Thanks, Mila.
I find crying amazingly cathartic, but I sometimes have to resort to artificial means to evoke it, which makes the catharsis feel rather fake, if you know what I mean. Most things don’t upset my balance enough to provoke crying. Whether this is fortunate or not is dependent upon circumstance (?).
Thanks, too, on saying I have balls. I like to think I can do that occasionally. In this case, I think I’m just angry at the world for blaming US for being depressed. They don’t understand, so it’s just a figment of our imagination. Fuck that. I know it isn’t a figment of mine and I know it isn’t something one can just will oneself out of.
I’m thinking of returning to a therapist. Not sure I want or need it at this point. The Prozac certainly seems to be working. Yeah…I admit I just don’t really like the idea of telling a stranger about what might be upsetting me in the hopes of getting over it. They’ll tell me my feelings are valid. I know this already.
But coping skills? Maybe that will be helpful.
I will say that I found just being around Jeff to be an anti-depressant.* I shudder to think what I may have done had he not been there when I deployed. I can’t really describe how he makes you feel better, but he does. Positive energy? Dunno. (BTW….I had no faith in antidepressants, and didn’t really believe in depression, per se, although I know now, looking back, that was deeply mired in it). When you meet him, you’ll understand what I mean.
* This advert has been sponsored by NO ONE. I did not consult Jeff nor take any currency for it. He really is that awesome. Really. Just for his approach to life, he is my hero.
All the best,
d
Reading this has brought out feelings I hate to think about. I have suffered with this for over 10 yrs. It makes every situation you find yourself in much harder to deal with then it should. I find myself over reacting at times to the smallest things.
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