the id, the ego, & the single misfiring brain cell

why i trolled my cousin

I've had a couple of experiences in the last...oh, three days which made a huge impression on me. I know lots of what a friend of mine just referred to as "lovely fundies," and I prefer to focus on the "lovely" part, and have for years. In return, most of them respect my beliefs and boundaries, and that's good. We get along, sometimes quite happily so.

Well. In addition to the strong possibility that I'm just hormonal right now and don't have patience for stupidity and hate, and won't just sit down and shut up when I hear it, my brother and his "crew" came over a couple of days ago. Among his crew is my 30-year-old redneck* cousin, James.

* I know, I know, but he self-identifies as such. He's very proud of his roots, his beliefs, his ignorance, and his bigotry, as you will see.

While we were enjoying beers on the front porch, James brought up that nigger Muslim in the white house. I told him to not use that word in my presence or on my property, and thus launched a typical grand defense of the use of such words ("Niggers exist, but not all black people are niggers," etc. The same BS I was taught, frankly, which is just a justification for continuing to denigrate others). I asked what makes him think Obama is Muslim; he said he just is. I said fine, but if he is, then there's some sort of available proof, and I'm interested in hearing it. So James essentially argued that Obama's black and therefore Muslim, Communist, etc.

So I directly asked him: "If you are presented with facts which disprove that he is a Muslim and Communist, will you change your mind?"

He paused only a moment, then said, "No. I'm a good 'ol boy and I believe what I believe."

Me: Despite what the facts are?

Him: Yes.

Despite the tiny bit of respect I have for his willingness to own his ignorance, James has lost his welcome at my home. In the ensuing hours, I wasn't feeling very friendly toward the ignorant and hateful.

So yesterday, a friend asked a polite question about my atheism on my Facebook page, and I commenced with a polite answer. (Yes. I am quite capable of discussing religion civilly. However, my requirements for respect do not waiver, and most people - so I've found - are incapable of discussing religion respectfully. Most. I'm respectful as long as they are respectful to me, do not assume I'm an idiot, and do not preach to me. The moment they begin to treat me like I'm a retarded 15-year-old, I lose my respect for them - and depending upon my mood, I may simply walk away, or I may unleash the hounds of hell.)

Early on in this discussion, Robby (another proudly redneck cousin) popped in to troll. Robby, unlike most people who only do this on the internet, is a troll in real life. He has a knack of figuring out what people really care about, then trolling them for yuks (and has admitted in person that most of what he posts is to "get a rise out of people," which is almost the textbook definition of troll.)*

* In case you're an internet virgin and you wonder what sort of behavior "trolling" entails, it is almost always a comment intended to inflame, followed by meaningless "lol" posts when people respond with ire. There is no real point beyond pissing off the people who were having a nice conversation before you showed up.

He's been doing this shit to me for months now on Facebook (and it isn't just my imagination; an independent source has confirmed that he does this online as well as in person all the time) - usually in politics. When I attempted to engage him in meaningful conversation, he made more rude comments, did the obligatory lulz, then left. So...he did it yesterday when I (1) had time on my hands and (2) was in a bad humor already. I decided it was payback time.

I've been proud of my self-control in most things for the past few years. I've worked to resist the immediate gratification of telling idiots, in creative ways, that they aren't worthy to lick my feet.* At the same time, I've worked on my ability to tell people how much I admire them and how much I care about them.

* And really...knowing I am an English poetry freak, you must add in the thrill of finding either an appropriately classic quote which is relatively unknown in the vernacular, or an artistically-conceived poetic and possibly alliterative subtle insult which I have so far successfully overcome.

It's been a very long time since I've let my inner tiger out of the cage to maul the countryside, but I did it yesterday. I did it knowingly, with two goals in mind: (1) to show Robby how it feels to have someone mocking something he cares about, and (2) to see how long it would be before he unfriends me. ( Yeah, I could have just unfriended him, but there aren't lessons in that. And frankly, I had a blast turning his MO against him.) If my sacred cow* is politics, then his is Christianity. I really didn't know he took anything seriously until about a month ago when I posted a youtube video of a Landover Baptist** pastor addressing the unwashed in Georgia.

* Not technically a sacred cow - which is characterized by undying respect and humility - but I do prefer reasoned discussion over smart-assed remarks intended only to incite. I put up with many non-constructive comments (complete with "lol") from him over the past few months, even after I repeatedly attempted to get him to defend his POV and otherwise, you know, be an adult. He wasn't having any.

** For those of you not in the know, Landover Baptist is one of the original and best religious spoof sites on the internet. It's so good, many religious people take it seriously and write disapproving emails (or worse, approving ones) to correct the sinful arrogance of the Landover Baptists. If you've never had the LB experience, click the link.

So anyway. I began by asking an innocuous question regarding his behavior, as he professes to be a Christian. (In my mind, the two should reflect positively on each other, but what do atheists know?) He responded that I just don't know him very well, but he's been a Christian for years.

ME: What does it mean to you to be a Christian?

HIM: It's not that I'm so religious. I'm just not an atheist.

ME: So, in your words, being a Christian is not being an atheist?

HIM: didnt say that at all. in fact, wasnt even close to what i said.

Oh. Right. :roll:

I pointed out that he was welcome to correct my interpretation. So he said he has "a personal relationship with Christ.. he has no reason to deal with perfect people....if there is such a thing.. only sinners....like me.”

Beautiful, isn't it? I mean, seriously. It's great. I mean, heaven forbid you make Christ's sacrifice meaningless by not sinning. The problem is, I know too many people – Robby included – who use this line to behave poorly at will, ask forgiveness from God (presumably), then pretend they're basically good Christians who just get a little wild from time to time. In other words, they use this comment as a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card.

This isn't Monopoly, and that card doesn't work with me.

So I said this: What does a personal relationship with Christ entail?

His response: get a Bible and read it......lotsa good stuff in there. it will answer all your questions.

Ah. Let's think about this one for a second. I promise: one comment,* and I shall move on. People who say this have about a one in a million chance of having ever read the bible themselves.

* OK, two comments: The atheists they're talking to have more that likely not only read the whole bible themselves, but read it in different translations and studied the various doctrinal questions, the history, and scholarly arguments regarding its claims.

Up to this point, I'd been fairly friendly. I made a point and asked a polite question. Robby got snarky. I'd say I slipped into the phone booth at this point and became Superman, but that would be unfair to Superman. I went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. Particularly when I read the next comment, by a well-meaning idiot:

Kenneth Moore: Amen, Diana, read John 3:16. It will help u 2 know who Jesus is, because he loves u, because he died 4 u.

I have a serious question here (no, really): When someone says this, do they honestly believe that the person they're saying it to has never heard of Jesus? (If your answer is yes, I sincerely want to hear your explanation. It may very well make me leash the hounds in the future, provided your answer is plausible.) Otherwise, I'll assume – as I did here – that I'm dealing with a bonafide moron.

At this point, having been giving the perfect opening, I slipped into troll mode*: HAHAHAhahahahahahaha. Y'all are priceless! I probably know the bible better than you do. Odds are. I know what the bible says. I know what the Koran says, too (ever read it? why not?). I know all religions claim to be the one path to salvation, yadda yadda. None of them can prove it (and they PRIDE themselves on not being able to...hence, FAITH).

LOL. good stuff. keep it coming.

* I've never tried being a troll, and I don't think I have a natural ability here, but I gave it my best shot. It's hard for me to make posts without at least one substantial point, which means I'm just a troll wannabe.

Then I asked Robby what a personal relationship with Christ entailed.

HIM: ill save it for someone who really wants to hear it. God gave us free will.. i choose to believe, you dont. end of story.

Typical escape, really. He doesn't have an answer. Like most of the touchy-feely things Christians say, this is just more meaningless fluff.

And frankly, if I could choose to believe and thus believe, I'd be Christian. I'm not today because of this specific problem.

Anyway. Aubrey (my cousin), popped in to offer an admittedly lengthy response, which I shan't list in all its glory. It did include some scripture here and there (bravo, Aubrey!), and this gem: For a Christian, knowledge of the Bible without faith is like ringing a gong with no sound. It means nothing. Even Satan knows scripture and can quote it and construe it to have a meaning contrary to its intention. (She also pointed out – and I agree – that it's all about faith.)

When I responded to her implied accusation that I was Satan's tool*, I asked her how I was to know she wasn't Satan's tool (that's the problem of scripture, huh? Someone is Satan's tool, but it's really impossible to know whom). In her response, she said she'd been nice and respectful but I'd been nasty in my response. Apparently, from the Christian point of view, implying that someone is "Satan's tool" is "nice and respectful." (See what I mean about how so few Christians are capable of discussing their beliefs without being arrogant pricks?)

* What a delicious idea for a moniker, huh?

Ah, the persecution complex. Isn't it delightful?

I'll pause to make another observation here: As long as what the Christian says comes from his scriptures in some sense, he can convince himself that he isn't being rude or condescending. Almost. B'cause frankly? I think they know when they're being jerks. They're using their scriptures to score cheap holier-than-thou points, which like all good video games, only count on this level - if they count at all.

At this point, another person (Todd) entered the ring. He said, “Hey Robby, you mentioned atheist and it made me think of a comment one of my friends on fb, "God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do not exist." I loved it.”

Hahahahahaha. Yes! Good Christian logic. :) It amused me too. I responded like this: "Does God believe in a higher power? If the answer is yes, then he's not God. If the answer is no, then God is an atheist."

The conversation degenerated from there, if you can imagine. The preaching and accusations ramped up, including “Do atheists really believe there's no god? Of course you don't, because the bible says you don't,” etc. Here's the whole trainwreck if you're inclined to read it. I don't blame you if you take a pass, though.

I figured it would be a couple of days before he unfriended me. As it turns out, it took him less than 24 hours. :)

Why did I intentionally do this? I know you're asking yourself.

Seriously? My first reason was the troll problem, frankly. It was just a gift that religion turns out to be something he takes seriously (but really...who knew?). He's been an oral bully for years, and when you go through life behaving like that, it's just a matter of time before you encounter someone better at it than you are who will put you in your place. Most of our family just accepts "that's just the way Robby is," and as long as they do that, he'll never change. They make their choices and so do I. I don't need people in my life who treat others like shit then whine that they're being hurt or their playmate is being mean when someone turns the tables.

I appreciate that some of you live where religion is not discussed in polite company, let alone proudly proclaimed as though everyone is expected to agree and/or admire it. But that isn't the world I live in. I live in a world where comments about religious belief (and condemnation) are as common as racist epithets were 100 years ago. What changed the racism? Several things, including non-racist whites standing up against racist whites, and blacks (etc) marching for their rights and showing their offense when someone called them “nigger.” “Nigger” isn't a word which deserves any respect, and I don't care who says it or who he says it about – including himself. By the same token, assumptions that belief in Jesus (or whatever) deserve any form of respect – even the “respect” of silent disagreement – will not change until they are forced out of public discourse the same way.

I like and respect Canada's (and most of the European Union's) attitudes toward religion: it's personal, like your sex life, your bowel movements, and how much you like to pick your nose. Whether you believe in leprechauns or not, you keep it to yourself. If you do not, you deserve any response, no matter how rude, you may receive.

With most people, I already adopt this attitude, because I consider it basic human decency. You believe what you wish, and I leave it alone entirely. The moment you presume to preach or pass judgment on me (provided I'm not interfering with the rights of another person, of course) is the moment you lose your right to polite protection.

I think it's fair. And frankly, being polite to people who are not polite to me doesn't seem to be making any difference. I'm upping the ante, so...up yours.

d