Welcome to Balad

The easiest way to drop those unsightly pounds. And the sightly ones, too.

I realize I haven't given y'all anything to gawk at for a while, and I apologize. I seem to have stumbled into competency in the last few weeks, and as in other areas of government, competency is rewarded with--yes--more work. So while I've been contributing to the mission like a good little officer should, I've been neglecting you special people, my reading public.

Some of you may have even gone so far as to start checking the lists of military personnel the government admits have been killed over here for my name. Fear not. I am fine. I'm slightly less of a woman than I was when I arrived, but I haven't had an arm lopped off or anything. I've just lost weight.

People are always interested in a fool-proof diet, I've noticed. No matter how crazy the diet plan or how demanding, there will always be boatloads of people anxious to throw their money away on a book they'll never read in the hopes the actual purchase of it will be sufficient impetus to drop those unwanted pounds.* Now...I'm well aware that I could make my first million this way, but I'm a nice person, and I'll give you a diet that works--for free.

* Rather like those people who apparently believe they'll trim down if they just ask a fit person how to lose weight.

The requirements are rather demanding in this diet, but I'm sure you'll be more than pleased with the results. As with other diets, it always comes back to this question: Just how badly do you want to lose weight? Dedication is key.

First, you'll need to join the military. That's pretty easy to do right now if you aren't too picky, because they aren't. Within the first year of service, you'll probably find yourself planted here or somewhere quite like it, far from family and friends and anything that brings you happiness.

There! That was the first step. Wasn't that easy?

Now. You can eat all you like. No...really. Eat everything you want, as much of it as you want, as often as you want. Too good to be true? Trust me.

The chow halls offer several choices of meat with different shapes and sauces (but with an uncanny similarity in texture and taste), a steady supply of rice, a token overcooked vegetable or two, and mashed potatoes that can usually be eaten with a straw. There are invariably tons of cookies and huge cakes and pastries and ice cream. There's a salad bar with questionable lettuce, unidentifiable mixtures of what looks like lawn clippings after a heavy dew, chopped mushrooms not more than three days old, and chopped tomatoes. There is usually a steady supply of shredded cheddar with which to drown any dish of your choosing, as well as a selection of fresh and canned fruits. (I recommend sticking with the canned variety, as they're much harder to bruise during shipping.)

To drink, you may choose from a broad selection of lukewarm boxes of milk or syrupy sweet fruit juice, warm Coca Colas and 7-Up, and warm near beer. You can always get a nice chilled bottle of water, as well.

If you don't make it to chow, never fear...MREs* are here. Cases of MREs are kept in various places around the squadron. Any time you feel peckish, just get yourself up and fetch a bag. They come with a full meal, complete with a nifty little chemical heater that doubles as a homemade bomb. There's a nice variety of entres, from Thai Chicken to Meatloaf, all of which smell like canned cat food. But the desserts are usually quite nice; they just look like something you might feed to condemned prisoners.

* Meals, Ready-to-Eat. Alternately, Meals Rejected by Ethiopians.

And don't forget the care packages! You can have anything that can be shipped into country. Not just yours, either. Everybody shares their care package goodies. Food galore!

Should you choose the tempting chow hall smorgasbord, you must first traverse the area between the parking lot and the washing room that smells of raw sewage. Upon entering the wash room, you are assaulted with the aforementioned pungent aroma of body odor. As you walk through the door into the dining area, you inhale grease and (inexplicably) fish. Enjoy!

In two months, you'll be lean and mean. What is our secret? What makes this diet work? Simple metabolism and human nature. Bombs bursting in air may sound patriotic to you, but to me, it's diet genius. The stress factor of living in a war zone* is key to burning calories, and it simply cannot be duplicated in your neighborhood gym.

* With nothing interesting to do, knowing almost everything interesting on the 'net has been Websensed because someone suspected you might be enjoying yourself.

Take it from me, Diana. I'm not just the president of Diana's Deployment Diet. I'm also a customer!

d

Disclaimer: This diet works best if your physiological response to stress is to lose your appetite as opposed to gorging yourself. Also, run five miles a day.