Welcome to Balad

...and then I'll drop this, but reserve the right to call rebuttal witnesses should the need arise.

There are several Change of Command ceremonies happening right now (two of them today). All of them happen in the period of about a week here, because of the rotation change. We attended the one this morning to see how it "should" be done, as per a strong suggestion on the part of our new squadron commander (as the comm squadron does a great deal of support for these events).

There was no "required" troop formation, only one verse of the AF song was played (of all the apathetic horrors), and everyone sang quietly into his collar, humming the part between "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder" and "Nothing can stop the US Air Force!" because no one knows the words. I may have mentioned this fact earlier.

Ooh, ooh...and, and...I forgot to mention that another requirement of the new OI is that the group commander and the outgoing/incoming squadron commanders are required to have their speeches preapproved by Protocola (that was initially a bonafide typo, but the goof amused me, so I decided to let the error stand). Then the commanders are required to read the preapproved speech verbatim during the ceremony, without embellishment. (It says so right there in black and white. I know, because I read the new OI with intense interest, from "BY ORDER OF THE COMMANDER" all the way through the official signature and attachments.)

Let's think about this, now. "Colonel, you can't say that. Say this. No spontaneity, either. The troops may get the idea you're a leader who knows how to competently present his ideas. You are required to read from the preapproved script."

HAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha. Chuckle. Wheeze.

Right.

Col Dougherty--the presiding officer of this Change of Command, as well--got up and did this. He's a good man, and is actually a good speaker with a knack for comic timing. However, since he was complying with the new regulation, as required, he read his remarks, making all his compliments and jokes sound planned, meaningless and flat.

The outgoing commander then read his speech, with the same effect. The incoming commander, it seems, had not been briefed that we do things differently here at Balad. His speech was short, spontaneous and delivered looking directly at the people he was addressing. It was good, meaningful and strong. It also broke the rules.

But here's the thing, see. What are they going to do to him if he breaks a rule? Send him to Iraq?

I was sitting toward the back and noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. It was Maj Protocol, standing at the back in the middle of the aisle, reading from his copy of the script and watching the proceedings. I'm sure he was less than pleased with the ceremony.

I amuse myself in spare moments thinking of diplomatic ways to suggest he visit Life Skills*. At this rate, he'll have a nervous breakdown before his tour here finishes. There are simply far too many people here who are relaxed in deployment I-work-like-a-dog-every-waking-moment-and-haven't-seen-my-family-in-months-and-don't-get-enough-sleep mode, and ongoing attempts to make them comply with stateside-quality anality in an environment where they're daily bomb targets is doomed to frustrated failure.

*Life Skills is the current Air Force euphemism for Mental Health, because calling it "Mental Health" made people think those who darkened its doors were loonies. With the advent of the new verbage, the negative connotations take a second or two to kick in before people make the connection. Big improvement, huh?

But enough bitching about military silliness. I'm sure I'll have many happy returns, but hope they don't involve a Change of Command.

Incidentally, my boss has assured me I'm going to get a "helluva bullet" for my part in our squadron's Change of Command ceremony "on general principle." Does he rock or what?

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