my life

Diana,

Turnabout being fair play and all, I’m going to steal your “say what I mean, mean what I say, and don’t say it mean” lick. That’s worth teaching to the kids.

Like you, I prefer the direct approach. I want to know if what I’m doing isn’t right so I can fix it as soon as possible. I also like to think I can take constructive criticism dispassionately, so my supervisor doesn’t need to be afraid of hurting my feelings.

I think that’s where the fear of confrontation comes from. A very wise marriage counselor told me once that if we avoid telling someone something in order to protect their feelings, we’re doing it out of selfishness. We don’t want to deal with their hurt.

I don’t want anyone to be afraid to tell me if something’s wrong. Regrettably I haven’t been as pleasant in the face of bad news recently as I used to be. Now I have some fence-mending to do.

That illustrates something else the counselor told me. No matter how calmly you’ve been able to take bad news in the past, one outburst will color how people see you for a long time afterwards. “They” (the people who study relationships) say that it takes three positive statements to offset one negative statement. I’m curious how they arrived at the number three (I’ll bet there’s a Bible behind it somewhere) but my own experience suggests that negative statements carry a lot more weight. Sometimes it takes more than words to erase the deficit. Flowers and chocolate may be required.

In my work we don’t always get people who have completed military training and learned to take direct correction. (Sound’s like maybe you don’t either.) A good manager will get to know his reports and learn how they prefer to take correction, then give it that way. Some of us prefer the direct approach, others don’t. In the case of a new manager or a new hire the manager doesn’t have that knowledge, which I believe is where the intangibles come in. The ghost of “what if?” has many faces.

The only way I know to get to know someone is to talk to them, so I do it the way I prefer to be treated - directly and respectfully. That includes correction. If they take it badly, I’ll try to find out if there’s something specific I can do better next time. Like that counselor told me, the truth must be spoken in love, but it MUST be spoken. “Love” might not be the right word in a professional setting, but “respect” is certainly appropriate. Part of respect is learning an individual and accepting their nature. But we mustn’t compromise the truth in the process.

Dave

I seem to have struck a chord. :)

I agree that the best way to correct others is the way they respond best to. I also believe firmly that face to face is the best way to confront, should the need arise.

I’m down two on that count, and I’m not sure how to amend it, or even if I should. My crew works shifts, and I won’t call any of them in when they’re off duty if I can possibly help it, which makes group face-to-faces impossible. Second, most of direction/correction applies to all in general. Should it apply to only one or two, I pull them aside and we discuss it. But when it’s everyone, I simply state that this is the problem and this is the performance I expect and this is why.

I’ve had two of five who respond poorly to this. Both of them outrank me in time in grade, whence arises their beef. Interestingly, I have another who also outranks me in the same manner by a great deal; he and I have discussed this at length and his viewpoint on the matter is that there’s nothing wrong with my approach. He admitted he had a problem with me being over him when he first arrived because he knew I was a junior captain, and my emails to them struck him as a bit on the abrasive side. Then he added that he realized that if he were a lieutenant, he’d have absolutely no problem with the way I run the shop, that the problem was clearly in his awareness that he technically outranks me. He acknowledged that it was a personal problem and moved past it. (Incidentally, he also acknowledged that he reads my emails to other persons/entities and finds them similar in presentation and tone to the way I address the crew, and he sees nothing wrong with them–and doesn’t have the same emotional reaction to them, so he knows it’s just a personal problem.) This crew commander has moved past the situation in which WE are (neither of us asked to do what we’re doing). He, incidentally, will replace me when I leave.

The one crew commander who has the biggest problem with how I express myself outranks me the least, interestingly enough. :) Now that I think about it, though, he’s by far the youngest of my crew, chronologically speaking. Perhaps that has something to do with it.

I’ve noticed that some people have the ask nicely that something be done, and people take them seriously. Other people get no mileage from asking nicely (which does not imply, of course, that they should be rude). I think it’s a personality difference.

I’m a very straightforward person. People tend to not take me seriously, generally speaking, unless I make my expectations known in a straightforward manner.

Another thing I just realized…and it says something about me as much as it says something about the people who work for me: I am the best boss in the world as long as the person working for me is at least trying to do his job. I can work with someone who’s trying. I become a “bad” boss (in the eyes of the employee) as soon as he ceases to care or try. I notice the lack of effort first. After initial counseling and determination that he is competent, if I must revisit the problem, I begin to understand that it I’m dealing with apathy and attitude. Granted…this sort of employee has his own problems that he needs to focus on, but I tend to approach such problems with impatience.

I’m quite sure there are effective methods for motivating such people, but if experience is any teacher, I’m at a loss as to how to approach them. Also, I perpetually wonder where my responsibility to accommodate the employee’s personal style ends.

Thus far, my approach has been to find a way to appeal to the employee’s self-interest. When that doesn’t work, I’m lost, quite frankly.

d

Diana,

I wonder if your problem children take your direct approach as arrogance. Maybe they expect you to be more apologetic for having the audacity to be in command of higher ranking officers. Not that you owe it to them. Was your successor already part of the team when you took over? If so, maybe the others think he was passed over unfairly. (That he recognized and resolved his own issue with the situation speaks well about him, BTW.)

The fact that he first thought your emails seemed a bit abrasive (as seen through resentment-colored glasses), then said they’re similar to the way you address the crew, makes me wonder if some of the less mature members of your team might perceive you as still being abrasive.

I’m guessing most of your team are technical people. If so, that’s a challenge right there. In my business we have a saying, “Managing programmers is like herding cats.” They’ll gladly cooperate when it’s to their advantage, but they’ll hiss and growl if they feel they’re forced into it. Especially the more creative ones.

One other thing I’ve run across before: sometimes people in a group will take it personally when the group as a whole is being criticized. These people feel like they’re being singled out in front of their peers, even if no names or specific events are mentioned. I used to be one of those people. In my case it was from lack of confidence. Eventually I realized I’m no worse a screw-up than anyone else I worked with. One thing that helped me realize that was after a “there’s going to be some changes around here” meeting the boss took me aside and told me that I didn’t need to make any changes - the problems were elsewhere in the group. (I respond well to periodic pats on the back if they’re earned. I guess I’m just a suck-up.)

I don’t know if any of this applies to your situation, and even if it does I don’t know if it’s helpful. You’re clear and fair with your people. That’s more than some bosses will give. Whether you want to give more is your call, but I don’t think you owe it to anyone.

Dave

Hi, Dave. You’re correct, of course…one or two of them definitely take my approach as arrogance. This is not unusual to me, incidentally.

I have a very strong personality. It’s a mixed blessing/curse. It means people generally react strongly to me, one way or another. I tend to exude self-confidence in a way that people see me as strong and in control and able to handle anything.* As you might imagine, this is a definite plus in my line of work. At the same time, others see my direct what-you-see-is-what-you-get approach as arrogant and abrasive. It rubs them the wrong way. Which is a definite minus in my line of work.

* This in no way reflects how I feel or what I think in any given situation, incidentally.

I suppose everybody’s approach ticks off somebody, though. I mean, the gentleman with whom I had the disagreement…his approach does nothing for me. If the tables were turned, I’d probably blow off his emails until he pulled me aside and said, “Look. Do you need remedial training on how to fill out the duty logs or what?!” Which he’d never do, most likely. I have a hard time respecting a person who looks uncomfortable asking me to do something and apologizes for having to ask. He’s apparently just the opposite of me. I don’t understand him, deep down, and he doesn’t understand me. I’m not sure how to bridge the gap.

You’ve made an interesting observation concerning the individual/group dynamics, though. Of course, in this particular situation, he was my biggest culprit, so it isn’t like I can reassure him that his behavior is above reproach.

I suspect he’s smarting because he’s ashamed to realize that he needs to be reminded to do his job. I’ve been looking for a way to soften my approach and have some pity, but my problem stems from the fact that I don’t pity a military officer who must be reminded to do his job. The problem is that I have made this sentiment plain. In essence, he has been slapped by someone he technically outranks ("technically” because when two people have the same rank, the military determines who’s the rankest :) by looking at time in grade, time in service, then age, believe it or not). He’s got me by, oh, seven months time in grade. Which is…inconsequential, to say the least.

d

“Manageing programmers is like herding cats". Heh heh heh,…We now have 12 cats, which must be herded into the house at night, and out the next morning. They herd at least as well as a bucket of worms dumped out on the floor. Re. the other conversation:In all the management I have taken, and the years of management I went through, I could never find a way to get someone to do something if they really did not wish to do so. In the end, they will be transferred, resign, their shortcomings will be overlooked, or they will be –ah–removed from duty. One thing I have learned–anger never /never/ helps. It only makes the manager/supervisor/co look bad to all concerned. One other thought. Sharing all this on a public blog, or to friends thru email, can only cause additional problems if that employee hears about it, or accidentally runs across it. Love you. Daddy

Good morning, Paw. :)

Well, I don’t believe I’ve let anger interfere, but impatience is another matter (and perhaps they’re indistinguishable to the recipient). I have no reason to believe this man is incapable or unwilling, which is why I seek advice concerning my communication style. On one hand, I feel I haven’t done anything wrong, but on the other, I’m sure there’s a way I could do things “more right"–the problem there comes from becoming a doormat, though. I’m sure there’s a “grey area” in which I’m still clearly the boss and my expectations are expressed clearly and unequivocally but I’m not offending anyone by acting like I think I’m in charge (which pretty well sums up the problem), but I can’t find it and I don’t know where to look.

I recognize the possibility that this conversation could cause problems, should the employee in question run across it. There’s also the possibility that he recognizes that he has not been identified and be reassured by the fact that, while I’m expressing my position, I’m still thinking about our conversation and looking for an approach that does not compromise my aims while not belittling him (or others like him I may encounter in future).

Where does one go for such advice? Going to a boss for advice on this sort of thing would compromise his identity and probably get him in trouble–which I don’t want–and would limit me to one viewpoint. Perhaps I should have taken it to a bulletin board where I’m a bit more anonymous and there’s a huge readership…?

d

Diana,

The problem with bulletin boards is that you don’t know who you’re talking to. (For example, video game publishers have been discovered paying people to become moles on gaming boards. They develop a respected presence over a period of months, then start talking up the publisher’s products.) Like the Web in general, anyone can post anything with little peer and no editorial review. In fact, sometimes I wonder why you listen to what I say.

Does the AF or DoD have any such resources, though? It seems to me officers have been dealing with recalcitrant people for millenia, and some have been successful at it. I’d think the military would want to spread that ability around, and I imagine they recognize the need for discretion. Wasn’t there a training program you took last year about this sort of thing? Maybe the instructors can help, or point you to someone who can. Maybe another officer, not directly in your chain of command, who isn’t obligated to act if you bring up a “hypothetical” situation.

As for your current problem, do you know (or have you tried to find out) why the job isn’t getting done? I know orders given are expected to be followed with no ifs, ands, or buts. But… orders are given to humans, and sometimes humans break down in the presence of outside influences.

Dave

Have you actually tried doing it ‘his way’? That would certainly remove all excuses, and take the wind out of his sails, so to speak. He may well think he is ‘winning’, but you know he has lost, because he /must/ do as you ‘ask’, or appear as recalcitrant and childish as he actually is. Just a thought. Daddy

Mr. B,

Sounds like you’ve had experience raising young officers. (Grin)

I have, a couple of times, used the same method on bosses whose ideas weren’t aligned with reality. The best way to show how dumb a rule is is to follow it explicitly. I haven’t done it often. I’m actually more prone to insubordination. Diana would probably have me locked up by now if I worked for her.

Dave

Wow. Lots to respond to here.

Why do I listen to what you say, Dave? Well…I don’t take anything anyone says as gospel, so worry not. I take suggestions and weigh them on their own merits, and apply those that make sense. It helps just to have others make suggestions–even if they’re crazy ones. It’s something I’ve been taught in every professional military education school I’ve attended, since you mention it: brainstorming–collecting ideas and insight from as many people as possible.

In those schools, I haven’t learned anything about how to deal with this particular situation–being in charge of people who outrank you, as well has having one person who cannot accept it. I imagine the military cure for this is to do my job and if I have trouble with anyone, use my chain of command who placed me in the position of authority in the first place. I’m not keen to do that, if I can avoid it.

From all my experience doing what the crew is doing and judging from the performance of the other crew members, I can state unequivocally that the job isn’t getting done due to apathy. And now…pushback. He’s doing what I asked, but bare minimum.

Daddy, I’ve met him in the middle with his suggestion. As stated, I refuse to pretend I’m in the ditch shoveling with him when I’m not. However, when anything I say applies to me as well, I use the terms “we” and “us” and “our,” as per his suggestion.

I have more people to worry about than just him. When this first came up, I discussed it with the others. He’s the only one who wants me to pretend I’m not actually the boss. I have one other “problem” troop, but it’s just because he doesn’t want me to be his boss regardless of how I behave; however, he continues to do an outstanding job and be professional, so I don’t actually have a problem with him.

d

“So anyway, a friend suggested to me that I’d improve my leadership skills if I used the terms “we” and “our” in my emails (they’re shift workers–it’s unavoidable) instead of “I” and “you.” “
For a minute I thought you were saying shift workers were prone to avoid using “I” and “You” … Then I realized that you meant they had to communicate via email. How duplicitus.. Geez, communication IS rough, ain’t it?

Rog